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A Church Beyond Belief

The Challenge of Negativity

9/26/2014

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The weekly lunch group had met for years. It was informal but it was clearly set. If you were in town you came. At noon you were there. The same table, the same waitress, the same club sandwiches or grilled chicken salads. All with water or diet drinks. The lone coffee was seen as odd. But the warm friendship was what mattered most.

Not every member came every week, to the relief of most. When Diane was back in town some would skip. She was always loud, critical, quick to send food back, never satisfied. The flight home had been terrible. The hotel had been awful. She would never go to such a boring place again. So it went. Diane domineered and complained.

What could the group do? Their tolerance was tested. They wanted to be welcoming. They had been together for a long time. But Diane was toxic. In her wake came frantic texts and voice mails. Something had to be done. But what? They wanted to welcome her but they did not want to be poisoned.

How do groups deal with outrageous members? The early Christians had this problem. They were caught between wanting to be open and accepting, and feeling there were limits. Then and now, healthy groups must define acceptable behavior. Some things are out of bounds.

But a firm hand requires a soft touch. The early Christians resolved to pursue discussion. Patient honesty became the ideal. They would talk directly and kindly, not behind backs. It did not always work and could easily encounter sensitivities.

Through it all, it helps to remember why people are negative. Dr. Raj Raghunathan’s research concludes that “almost all negativity has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: the fear of being disrespected by others, the fear of not being loved by others, and the fear that ‘bad things’ are going to happen.” If we are dismissive rather than compassionate, it only confirms for them that they are unlovable.

Rather than quietly condemn and exclude, conversation that is ever inviting is the best approach. It’s time for a talk with Diane. 



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Going Outward to Go Inward

9/19/2014

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You see it every day, and maybe you're part of it: people walking intensely. Minds turned inward, earbuds firmly planted, a grim facial expression. The race is on. Through parks and neighborhoods, along roads and across intersections, along sidewalks, dodging and weaving. Walking or jogging is a private pursuit that goes public. None of us knows what the other thinks as we pass, we just grimace and pant and move on.

Few words are ever exchanged. Often there is no recognition at all as we pass. We are on private journeys, going inward and building ourselves up. Inevitably it is beneficial and we return refreshed. But we go about it in isolation.

Try taking your dog and the situation reverses dramatically. Dogs refresh by going outward, and not just for the obvious reason. Where you want to press on, dogs want to stop. Where you want to search internally, dogs are in search externally. You are intent on finding yourself, dogs want to assess what they find along the way. The search is totally different.

It’s why I love dogs. They have much to teach. What if the answers we need were not to be found within us? What is the answers were all around us? What if we stopped and spoke during the journey, just as dogs discover each other?

There’s no denying our need for private space and time. But the world at our feet may draw us out in ways that bind us together. Belonging begins in discovery of new possibilities, often outside ourselves. That’s how belonging begins. 



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What Our Homes May Be Missing

9/17/2014

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The bride and groom had written letters to each other that they asked the minister to read. They turned to face each other, and smiled as he read the words they intended to describe their commitment. The story of their relationship unfolded before family and friends. It was deeply powerful.

In somewhat different words, both said the same thing: home is where our relationship is. Home is not a place; it is us and the world we are building together. Where we live and what we do there matter less; home is wherever we are.

The congregation applauded and tears of joy appeared. This couple’s love was genuine. Many would envy their relationship. But over time, even as love grows, they will find something else is needed.

What they still need is a place where they belong. There must be a physical place where they live, set in a location where they find comfort. There must be other people who become treasured friends, and activities that bring fresh energy and purpose. There they can flourish individually and together.

Home can never simply be what we do or who we do it with. Each of us needs a basic, life-giving place that grounds who we are. At their best, this is what congregations do. They orient us; they give us companionship on the journey beyond our immediate commitment; they form our values; they teach us to serve others.

In a word, congregations give us grounding for our lives. However genuine and deep our commitment to one another, we need to put down roots in a place.


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Masks

9/12/2014

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The images are some of the most chilling we could ever see. The reality is one we pray we can avoid. In news reports of violence around the world, inevitably there are people in masks. At times they are political and religious extremists. At other times they are no more than criminals.

The reason for the masks is simple: the people launching violence do not want to be known. They hide their identity, while their blatant actions cause suffering. They want their brutality known; yet they want to hide, and to escape from what they have done.

If we see someone whose face is covered, we are suspicious. A hidden identity signals this person is up to no good. A mask can mean that someone chooses to hide, and so to escape.

Without using a cloth covering, many people wear masks. Their faces may be exposed, but deep parts of their lives are hidden, often behind a smiling face. All of us understand. We work hard to obscure less attractive parts of our lives. There are some things we just do not want known. We can’t abide some parts of ourselves; why would we want anyone else to see us?

When congregations function as they should, masks can be removed. Healthy congregations invite us to be our best selves. Congregations that fulfill the ideals of faith do not stop us at the door. They invite us in and they encourage us.

Belonging is a journey toward healing. Deep inside each of us is a life waiting to be revealed and a promise waiting to be fulfilled. It takes the right place and the right people. Faith community offers just the opportunity to blossom as a person. That’s the meaning of belonging.  
 

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Tendency No. 5: Enfolding people as part of an institutional crowd rather than part of a spiritual community

9/10/2014

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The fifth and final thing that distances churches from the people they seek to reach: enfolding people as part of an institutional crowd rather than part of a spiritual community.

For many congregations who readily welcome people, they rapidly move to incorporate visitors into existing programs and activities that can bear little relation to what motivated the visit. The “ways” and the “whys” of congregational affiliation are changing, and this means prepackaged approaches to programing don’t always work. 

This is compounded with the change in what constitutes “church attendance.” People may consider Pub Theology night or online worship their key connection to the congregation. Rather than embracing these as potentially significant spiritual connections, some congregations treat them as mere stepping-stones to “real” participation in the life of the church.

What is required is a move from the old metrics of buildings, bodies, and budgets to more creative means and measures of forming spiritual community. It may very well be that declining attendance is not because less people are seeking spiritual community. It may be because too many congregations are tethered to preserving dated institutions. 



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    William L. Sachs
    Michael S. Bos

    Rethinking the place of belonging and belief 

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